Endings and Beginnings

The last few months of 2013 were filled with some very intense endings for me. My mother was in the final stages of her terminal illness, and my grant-funded project at work, something I worked on for 13 years, was coming to an end.

Generally, transitions like this in real life do not have fairy tale endings. If they did, our funder would have lovingly taken over our project and given it the same attention our team gave it. I would have communicated eloquently to the grantees what a privilege it was to serve them for 13 years and how much I would miss them. My mother and I would have exchanged our most heartfelt thoughts, feelings, and perfectly worded goodbyes. But I don't live in a fairy tale.

Photo Credit: Flickr: penelopejonze

What I'm left with is the thought that I want to reflect on these two major pieces of my life, even as I have moved on to new beginnings. Even as I have not had a chance to clear my office of those 13 years, nor my mother's condo of her 81 years.







Reflection is so important and yet, so hard to make time for. I owe it to myself to process the endings, so I can free up all of my energy for the new beginnings in my life.

I hope that by blogging once a week with some insights on one or the other of these endings, I'll be able to truly say goodbye to my project, and to my mother. I don't need fairy tale endings, but I do need to feel a sense of closure, and a sense that I have learned from these two major life experiences.

People, Let Me Tell You About My Best Friend

My mom and I used to really love to watch The Courtship of Eddie's Father. The song was the best. Somehow that song popped into my head recently, and it's making me face the reality that I did lose my best friend. My mom died November 15, 2013 and I'm still trying to process that.

I realized that part of the reason my mom was so thrilled about my son was not just because she genuinely enjoyed him as a person. It was also because his birth made me a mother. Because she would get to see me experience the joys of motherhood. I think about that when I make my son breakfast in the morning and pack his lunch. I think about how she used to draw a little Momma cartoon on my lunch bag each day.

I know my mom was so happy for me when I got pregnant. She realized that this person, my son, was probably going to become my best friend. She was right.

I lost my best friend, and I have a new best friend now.

Habit Fails and Successes

So ... as predicted ... since I was so super busy this weekend and forgot to think about cues for my new habits, I failed on some of them:

• Grabbing lunch of leftovers - Didn't do ... but it wasn't exactly a fail as I still have last week's lunch because I ended up going out to eat Friday.
• Kegels - Totally spaced. Car radio being on is not a good cue because I just leave it on! Cue has to be an action.
• Planning Today's Work - same as last week - my desktop holds the undone. But I am thinking more intentionally about the order of the day. Still, maybe that should be re-thought and be something I do at the *end* of each day to be ready for the next one.
• No Sugar in my Coffee - OK, the cue is simply getting the coffee. Almost mindlessly added sugar today, but I stopped myself.
• Newly added habit of blogging: AOK!

Tripping through my Facebook feed (or was it Friendfeed?), could have sworn I saw an article about a habit app that appeared to be based on BJ Fogg's work. But now I can't find it. UPDATE: Found it! It's called LittleBit. There does seem to be a lot of buzz about habit apps these days. I am not much of a smartphone user - being tethered to my desktop all day, I *try* to stay away from devices during my downtime (emphasis on *try*, more emphasis on *not succeeding*).  I predict 2014 will be the year I succumb to smartphone land.

Day Two of Habit Patrol

What I didn't do: sit down and create a chart and determine what the cue and reward will be for each of the habits I spontaneously started yesterday.

What I did do:

• Grabbed a lunch - this is going to become harder next week when school starts for Wade. May need to change the habit to: make lunch the night before. What's my reward for this? Getting to eat a tangerine and some dates for breakfast at my desk.
• Kegels - I think the cue for this was just the car radio being on. Not sure if that is a strong enough cue. It worked today. Reward? Ummm, going to get my coffee when I get to work? Might have to change that to getting a latte ...
• Planning the day's work structure - did not do in car. Sitting at my desk this one is looking like: do the stuff I didn't finish yesterday. I think the planning habit is not what needs work - the follow through is the issue. Reward: learning about my own work habits.
• No sugar in my coffee - I think this habit is working. The cue is pouring the coffee. The reward is consuming less calories. Yeah, I know, it's not supposed to be a reward like that, it's supposed to be something more tangible and immediate. Anybody have any ideas for rewards?

By the way, although the book The Power of Habit is getting a lot of the press on covering these issues, my interest in effective ways to create good habits has to do with a chance re-encounter with B. J. Fogg, who I originally heard about when I worked at Interval Research many, many moons ago. He ran an experiment called Tiny Habits back in December, 2011 that I participated in. He's a pretty smart guy.

New Year, New Habits

I didn't really make any resolutions. On Friendfeed, where my online posse hangs out, I tested out some vague hopes: "Be present. Be more social with potential/close friends. Make hard decisions and do stuff."

But today, after rising, I found myself trying on many new habits:

• I grabbed some leftovers and fruit for lunch so I would save money and eat healthy
• I did kegels on the way to work (yeah, TMI, sorry)
• On my way to work I thought about how I would structure my day: Facebook and Twitter for work accounts, a pressing HR matter, finish off something I had promised to do *before* Christmas, then tackle AdWord reporting plan, spend one hour cleaning out old project files
• At work, I did not put any sugar in my coffee
• I sat down to write this post

Small things, all, but things I plan to continue. I've been reading the recent research on "the science of habit change" that boils down to: start small, have a cue, reward yourself. So, I'll need to ponder how those three things apply to each habit above. I hadn't even thought of rewards yet, just very pleased that some sort of motivation is driving me.